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sayonara_de

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going-away present [Jun. 3rd, 2006|08:09 pm]
sayonara_de
he asked her
as the sun was setting over the ocean
if there was anything she wanted

in her mind, a Pandora's box of hope opened
and tender green threads of joy blossomed
reaching for the elusive blue sky
which was contained within
his soulful eyes

and she
became aware of some forgotten part of her
standing in the deluge of his words
hands straining towards the heavens,
eyes locked shut in deference to the dream
of his smile

maybe she should have
taken heed of the roaring in her eyes and not
the way the waves lapped up onto the shore
like the quintessential romance movie,

maybe she should have
remembered the way his eyes followed the curve
of that other girl's hips
and not the way he smiled as she
brushed against his arm

but instead, she opened her mouth
and out came the evidence of her betrayal:
I want to
fall back into the arms of your love
forever

he looked at her
with a deep sadness stirring in his eyes
and said:
that is the one thing
which I cannot give.

and in that moment
she knew what she'd done
and what she must do.

later that night,
she returned to that place
and walked forward into the flood of her emotion,
glad to watch the light slowly slide away
taking her breath and her torment with.
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I can fix this [Apr. 25th, 2006|08:17 pm]
sayonara_de
she held my broken heart in her hands
and looked up at me with innocent eyes.
Don't worry, honey, she said, I can fix this.
I stared down at the tiny shards in my bloodied hands
and tears of doubt welled up in my eyes

from behind the plate-glass windows,
the eyes of those girls were laughing--
but she smiled and took my heart in her hands
carefully fitting all the pieces together
and spreading them with love and glue

Oh, she said, there's something missing.
we searched for something to fill the hole
where there once had been faces
coupled with hearts and laughter and smiling eyes
but they had gone, taking smiles with

It's okay, I said softly, it's fine incomplete--
forgetting would let it happen again.
And then, like some treasure from distant lands,
she extended my newly-mended heart to me
and the sun rose over the mountains

she smiled, and I smiled,
and then she touched my arm gently,
my smile carrying me with wings to the heavens
See, it's not so bad, honey, she said.
I told you I could fix this.
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uncertainty [Apr. 22nd, 2006|06:35 pm]
sayonara_de
she took my hand yesterday
and asked me what it meant to be in love

there's this boy, she said,
and he loves me, and I care for him, but
how do I know it's love?
I don't want
to hurt him.

and I said, honey,
there is no knowing.
she was silent for a long, long time

I can't do that, 'Iko.
she finally said,
and pieces of my heart broke free and went out to her
trying to embrace her fear
in their tiny hands

but like all those times in summer, she
brushed them away,
her eyes on something far in the distance
which I had never seen

I need to know,
she insisted softly,
I need to know.

the sun set from behind the trees
and the chains of the empty swings
rattled in the breeze
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Jochebed [Apr. 10th, 2006|07:04 pm]
sayonara_de
the bullrushes swayed in the breeze
coming down from the desert
blowing acrid air into your eyes, until you cried
a river to cast the basket where you
had tenderly wrapped your joy in shrouds of whispers

within the folds of memories, you bound that sparkle in your eyes,
hoping that what you could not save
would find another heart to fill
without the scars he left when he
vanished from view

he was tearing joy from many souls that night,
murdering their hearts before their eyes,
leading Death on a rampage along those same streets
and the cries of pain his absense caused
never reached his gilded throne

and unlike Jochebed's, your basket on the water
carried your smile over the edge of the world.
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rainstorm [Apr. 9th, 2006|05:58 pm]
sayonara_de
the ground trembles
as a million sound waves assault its molecular structure,
or some other vaguely scientific babble I don't understand

but... what is there to understand?
it's the purging of the earth, babe,
washing away all the surface filth and sending it rushing into storm drains
bringing life, you know,
those pretty spring flowers
that poke their curled, green heads from beneath the mud
and are devoured by rabbits who sneak under the fences

and it's flooding those little gray-brown rodents
out of their homes,
leaving them waterlogged and mangy-looking
when the gray clouds finally drift away and take its unwelcome flashing of lightning out of our lives

I cried enough to flood my life once, you know
but that was before you
and if your voice is like rain on parched ears, then
I must be sugar.

but crying is just purging the eyes, babe
of all those bad yesterdays, you know?
of course you do,
you would know that better than I.

[ the irony behind this is four days later, the person I was writing this to/about did say I was made of sugar... so feh. ^^ ]
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the circus [Feb. 8th, 2006|07:24 pm]
sayonara_de
She choked on the smoke of her boyfriend’s cigars
and the icebox beckoned
with promises of release—
she opened the door and escaped to the light,
remembering days spent staring at the last patch of blue sky—
life was beautiful poverty, moments of honesty
mingling and burning her skin to the bone

and what was the price of those sleepless nights?
she measured her sorrow
in the depths of her soul—
moments of hatred, surpassed by such dread
her head started spinning and whirling around—
the fat men behind the tables were calling her closer
she wanted it over, her life and her love
but the circus was all wide spaces crowded with faces
she would never see again

She elbowed her way
through the line at the roller coaster
anxious to fall fast and hard
without the scars and the ten-step programs
to fight her addiction, the weight of trepidation
falling squarely on
two shoulders too weak to carry
her head staring levelly forward

and they’re whispering and grumbling and throwing dirty stares her way,
she’s fielding their hatred and accepting defeat—
she’s eight people short of a shot at success, she’s in duress
with no one to see through.
Childhood was killed, too little, too young,
her impoverished perfection
a careworn collection of fluffy stuffed toys—
and she’s talking to them, their faces all in rapt attention,
the gleam of their plastic eyes reflecting her tension
and did I mention the moment of truth
when a fire burned her house down and left
a hole in her chest and the charred remains
of childhood’s happier moments catching in her hair?

We can all attest
to disbelieving salvation, to the fruitful devastation
of our innermost hearts—
she’s asking for an end
though the means are bound in terrifying loyalty,
the caste of the royalty, a moment of disdain
and she’s falling down the stairs of
her castle of hopefulness,
measuring out joy and passing it around
until she’s empty and falling so fast
to make up for time passed, and the surface
is a million miles to the bright horizon,
and darkness is all she ever knew

the girl at the circus died in an alley
and no one noticed, though years went by.
survived by three friends who do not know her name
a traitor, a follower, and one she betrayed
and that is her legacy, and all she’ll ever be—
a handful of acquaintances and a moment of truth

and what was the price of those sleepless nights?
she measured her sorrow
in the depths of her soul—
moments of hatred, surpassed by such dread
her head started spinning and whirling around—
the fat men behind the tables were calling her closer
she wanted it over, her life and her love
but the circus was all wide spaces crowded with faces
she would never see again
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there are a few people I would dedicate this to, if I had the courage... [Jan. 14th, 2006|08:08 pm]
sayonara_de
If there were one thing
I could tell you without being shut out again, I would say
I loved you—

you wouldn’t
believe me, I know you’d think
I was just throwing words around again—
you’d say I was going back to my old ways, maybe to protect yourself,
maybe because it’s true,

but I’d say
it doesn’t matter. I’d close my eyes and take your tongue-lashing
because I deserve it, anyway.

Don’t deny it,
I’m your masterpiece, you should
put me on display— exhibit one: betrayed
friend, condemned by jealous words and political jargon which you
don’t understand anyway—

I sit silent and
let you weave a net of hatred around my susceptible heart,
my foolish heart,

a heart which
once loved unquestioningly,
which now sits like stone in the depths of silence,
a piece of myself you killed with the cold shoulder you
thrust in my face.

You are poison,
you poisoned my once-friends against me, you want to poison me
so I am no longer strong.

You pretend
I don’t exist, that I don’t matter—
if I told you this, you’d fly into quick denials,
making you the one throwing words around, making them into daggers,
slamming them into my back,

all though
the wounds have healed. They don’t hurt any more, but they remain—your words
are the ones leaving scars,
not mine.
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(no subject) [Dec. 24th, 2005|12:52 pm]
sayonara_de
Merry Christmas everyone!! <3
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mouuuuuu [Dec. 12th, 2005|09:10 pm]
sayonara_de
It's been such a wacky day!!!

And I feel wierd posting about my day... but oh well... ^^

I saw Rent this weekend! I thought it was amazing!! Ahhh!!! :D And tomorrow I have a huge French test... which I ought to study for a bit more... hmmm... *looks thoughtful*

We made Christmas cookies!!! Yummy. ^^
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from spinninghead ^^ [Dec. 11th, 2005|01:44 pm]
sayonara_de
1. What's on your feet?
Nothing, and I'm really cold as a result...

2. Turn to your right -- what do you see?
Our incredibly mismatched Christmas tree

3. What is the last thing you ate?
Pizza. I had to sneak it while a hoard of small, sugar high children were crowding around. It was mildly scary, to be honest...

4. What can you smell right now?
My sweater smells really clean... like downy or something. ^^;;;

5. Do you wear hats?
Not usually, because I lose things so easily... and I have too much hair... :(
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